A Crossroad

I am at that fork in the road. I am at that place where I have to decide if I am discouraged enough to just let Satan have me. I think I am.

"Do not grow weary in doing good ..." I am beyond weary. I am exhausted. I am tired of trying so hard all the time. I am tired of trying to be a good wife, a good mom and the friendship sailed long ago. I just want to enjoy the few things that I do have that don't cause me pain.

I don't think David Platt has all the answers. I think God does. But I don't even trust God right now enough to ask him to help me find them. Until I can do that, I cannot read someone else's interpretation of what He has to say. If He's not the one saying it to me, I don't want to hear it.

I have so much to work on here before I can even consider looking to help someone else. There is no one to mend my brokenness. I have to work on doing it myself.

I know that God can heal me, I just don't trust Him to do it.

I am weary.

Nitty Gritty

How can I claim to love the Lord yet have such a feeling of hatred towards people? I mentioned this in my Introduction post. (I don't know if it's true hatred as much as unlove .. are they the same thing?) How can I, who claims to love the Lord, lack in mercy, grace, patience and compassion?

By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.

Not everyone who says to me, "Lord, Lord," will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will sat to me on that day, "Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?" Then I will tell them plainly, "I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers."

~ Matthew 7:16-23

This was the passage of scripture my son and I studied this morning for school. Instead of thinking of someone else when I read this (as is my custom), I almost couldn't talk about it with him feeling that the bad tree and bad fruit were descriptions of me.

... A good tree cannot bear bad fruit ... A person who "loves the Lord" cannot "have a lack of love of people". That's how I read that.

I am a bad tree. I cannot bear good fruit.

How do I become a good tree again? Have I ever been a good tree?

Man, oh man.

Strangely, The Message version is talking about preachers when it is talking about good trees and bad trees. It is talking about preachers with charisma, out to rip you off. That is the context of the passage. {Aren't we all preachers of the gospel, however? So maybe it's warning to any of us claiming to be preaching the gospel. It's not about charisma and us looking good and taking glory. It's about God.}

But, versus 21-23 in The Message say this ...

"Knowing the correct password—saying 'Master, Master,' for instance— isn't going to get you anywhere with me. What is required is serious obedience—doing what my Father wills. I can see it now—at the Final Judgment thousands strutting up to me and saying, 'Master, we preached the Message, we bashed the demons, our God-sponsored projects had everyone talking.' And do you know what I am going to say? 'You missed the boat. All you did was use me to make yourselves important. You don't impress me one bit. You're out of here.'

What is required is serious obedience!

Ooohhh ... I have a lot of trouble with the issue of obedience.

I've always known that obedience is my problem. I have always said I have a disobedient spirit. I don't like to be told what to do. I have pride issues. I think I know everything. I never follow the crowd, whether in good things or bad. {It's truly a God-given miracle that I am reading this book because it's something many are doing, and I don't do the things "many are doing".}

Anyway, back to obedience.

I guess it's time for me to get down to the nitty-gritty.

Ugghhhhhh ..... I hate getting dirty.

It was here I almost put the book down and quit ...

... on page 12, just before the "What About Us?" section.

Seriously, at this point, I was done before I started.

Before you start reading my comments on Chapter 1 of Radical, you might want to read some background about me here. {That way maybe you'll only think I am a callous, disobedient woman, instead of knowing it.}

I'm also not going to lie. I had to read a little bit of Chapter 2 to keep me going. After Chapter 1 I was ready to just throw in the towel. I'm not even sure if I could be described as "Radical-ish". I don't think I am anywhere near that!

It was super easy for me to agree with the following statements:

{Pg. 7, talking about the well-meaning Christians at his church throwing a huge event} "[They are] People like you and people like me, who simply desire community, who want to be involved in church, who believe God is important in their lives ... somewhere along the way we had missed what is radical about our faith and replaced it with what is comfortable. We were settling for a Christianity that revolves around catering to ourselves when the central message of Christianity is actually about abandoning ourselves."

and

{Pg. 11, when the potential follower showed up and asked Jesus, "What must I do to inherit eternal life?"} "If we were in Jesus' shoes, we probably would be thinking this is our chance. A simple 'Pray this prayer, sign this card, bow your head and repeat after me,' and this guy is in. Then think about what a guy like this with all his influence and prestige can do. We can get him on the circuit. He can start sharing his testimony, signing books, raising money for the cause. This one is a no-brainer --- we have to get him in." ~ reminds me of what our former church is doing right now, planting a new campus of their church in the middle of one of the most affluent neighborhoods in our city, instead of in the middle of one of the poorest.

After those two statements I was feeling pretty good.

Until I read, "What About Us?" which really means, "What About You, Nicole?"

Done. Already, in Chapter 1?

I loved the description about the field with the treasure being Jesus, and how if the field was full of earthly treasure that we would run and sell all of our meager belongings to go and buy it. But when the treasure is Jesus, just Jesus, are we {me} willing to do the same?

My answer is, "No," as long as it pertains to me.

Just being honest here.

I am more worldy and earthly possessed and comfortable than I thought I was. I couldn't sell everything I have, leave my husband and children behind, or fail to attend one of my parents' funerals, to follow Jesus. I probably couldn't even bring myself to do a whole lot less.

I can't.

I am hoping that by reading this book, conversing with you ladies, and, most importantly, reading the Word and praying through this issue, that I can overcome my selfish ways.

It all sounds so great, like something I would like to do. But, honestly, I really just want to sit back and smile while I watch someone else do it!

I am too afraid for it to be me.

To read about other women, who likely are handling this better than me, go to Marla Taviano's blog here.

Introduction

I better give some background.

I was raised in a small-town Methodist church. I loved church as a kid. But when I became a teenager, and people were going to try to start getting into my business, I quit attending. When I was in college I felt a tug back and attended a couple of Sundays at a local church, alone. Then after I got married and had two children I started attending church again, alone, without my husband. Then he and I divorced.

It was during this time that I came to really know the Lord. I got all into Him. I met my current husband on a church retreat and he and I made sure that our faith was a leading point in our marriage.

We moved from Missouri to Oklahoma and started attending a church regularly. As is my custom, we got ALL INTO it! We taught college Sunday school, worked in the nursery and children's department, and then I signed on to co-direct VBS. The VBS at this church served at least 500 kids every summer, not to mention the kids that volunteered at it. It was a big deal!

We started to see a shift in our church when they decided to start construction on a $10 million church building. The building campaign started. We felt uneasy. The pledges they received from the congregation were $1 million, which meant the church was willingly going to go into debt to the tune of $9 million. The plan to sell the existing church was now, all of a sudden, a necessity.

We felt the church was heading in a direction that was just plain wrong. The icing on the cake was when I had requested that VBS be prayed over during service on the Sunday before it was to begin. I was told they did not have time to put it in the service plan. Then at the end of the service, that day, the pastor stood at the pulpit and asked for the congregation to pray for the building committee! I was stunned and angry! I started to stand up right then and leave. My husband put his hand on my knee to keep me sitting.

I worked at VBS that next week. And then we left the church.

We started attending an Assembly of God church. Waaaaayyyyy out of my comfort zone, but we did it. We were impressed with their prayer time and their missions giving. But about five years into it we saw ourselves acting elitist, like many there. I was obsessed with dressing my kids a certain way, buying certain things, acting a certain way and we were prideful in our giving. We saw the pastoral staff lifting up "certain kinds" of people. And we saw them dropping others flat on their butts when they fell down in life. God was getting none of the glory for what was going on. It was all about how good we all looked. It was so fake and superficial that we just had to get out! When we left, we knew of at least five strong marriages that were on the brink of failure. Ours was one of them. But nobody cared. The church didn't have time to care because they were so concerned with what rank they were in the Assembly for amount of missions given that year.

We didn't know where to go or what to do. Since my best friend was the wife of the associate pastor at our old church, we decided to head back there. Do you know that within two weeks the sermon series began about another building campaign??? We were right back where we started. And I couldn't take it. I stopped attending. Rick took the kids for a couple more months until he had just had enough, as well.

And we haven't been back in a church building now for over a year.

This same church recently church planted their second campus in the middle of one of the most affluent neighborhoods in our city of 30,000. And they hired on their staff a pastor that was on The Biggest Loser. I guess now they have their celebrity endorsement. They are consumed with being a mega church.

My friendship with my best friend has ended. I couldn't stand the changes in her, and she couldn't stand the changes in me.

I still feel a deep need and desire to be in church. But where is the church that God intended?

I love the Lord. I do not love people. {These are two incredibly hard things for me to reconcile! How can you say you love the Lord if you don't love His people?} I have been hurt by those I trust most, especially in the church buildings. And my trust of people is shattered. I guess that's my only weak way to justify it.

But I still love the Lord.

I have a few problems with reading this book:

1. I was annoyed when Francis Chan received so much glory for writing a book about loving people. Didn't God already write that book? I am afraid I am going to feel the same way about David Platt. He is writing a book about how we should be radically following Jesus. But didn't God already write that book? Will Mr. Platt receive the glory for this book and its message, or will God get His due credit? I am reluctant.

2. I am so afraid that I will be annoyed reading the blog posts by others reading this book with us. I am a "tell-it-like-it-is" kind of girl. What I write will not always (if ever) be pretty. I will be completely transparant! Will others? Or will it be a lot of fluff writing about how God is calling him or her to do this or that and he or she is joyfully and willingly doing this or that? That won't be me because of .....

3. I am having enough trouble loving people in my surrounding community, let alone on the other side of the world. I desperately need a revelation about how to love people here! I don't have expectations to sell all I have and move to a foregin country. I don't even want to do anything close to that! I just want to regain a love of people and a compassion for them and re-figure out how to reach out to them here. I am afraid I am going to feel pressure, by God and others reading this book, to be radical in their way. For me, being radical means just learning to obey God in the small things, on a day-to-day basis. Believe me, that's struggle enough.

I love the Lord. I want to do His will. But I am weak. I am worthless. I am not willing to do all He will call me to do.

This is going to be a rough road for me, don't you think?

But I am ready to get started and see where it leads.

My name is Nicole. And I am Radical-ish.